There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Randomize
