My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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