My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
