Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
