Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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