I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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