You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
