I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
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