i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
