after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
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Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
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I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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