this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
