If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Do you have feelings for this penis?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
