So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
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