the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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