Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
