hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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