Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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