The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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