life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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