I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
