Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
