Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Randomize
