I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
