Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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