dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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