How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
