I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
