Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
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Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
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I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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