I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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