Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
dude i'm inner monologue high
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
