I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
