Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
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