I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
