You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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