she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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