Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
