finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
