Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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