I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
