i permit you to call me
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
