Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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