Your favorite bartender is back from prision
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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