Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So apparently I’m into choking now
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
