I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
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