we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
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