Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
