when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
