just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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