So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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