Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
