he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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