Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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