4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
