Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
