Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
Randomize
