Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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