btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
