I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
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