I met the friendliest cop last night
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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