I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
