My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
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