Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
