Got a toothbrush?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
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