We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
I did not marry a roomba.
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