he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
